Whedon, text 1

Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. You're gonna die screaming but you won't be heard. I'm the one who brings about the thought-pocalypse. I'm a rogue demon hunter now. Magic's all balderdash and chicanery. I've seen the best and the worst of you. Uh, hey, I got a idea. Instead of us hanging around playing art critic 'til I get pinched by the man, how's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work, and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day. How's that?

It's like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. Nobody could do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness. I'll never leave. Not even if you kill me. Well, excuse me, Mr. I-spent-the-sixties-in-an-electric-Kool-Aid-funky-Satan-groove! Sweetie, if he had a tussle with that Sasquatch, we'd be in the dirt right about now, scooping up the Captain's teeth. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after. I don't want to use the word genius, but I'd be ok if you wanted to. That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship.

All the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus fifteen percent alcohol. Okay, uh, I'm lost. I'm angry. And I'm armed.

Whedon 6, image & text

They need to take seven and they might take yours. For this plan to work, River and I will have to be dead. Recognizing someone else's power does not diminish your own. The lambs have passed through the gate. Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety-pound girl, 'cause I don't think that's ever getting old.

Scenario: We raise Buffy from the grave. She tries to eat our brains. What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?

Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list? The gentlemen are coming by. The human mind is like Van Halen; if you just pull out one piece and keep replacing it, it just degenerates. I am obsolete. This must be what old people feel like, and Blockbuster. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after. What did I say to you about barging into my shuttle? They've got those hoppy legs and twitchy little noses. In their resting state, our actives are as innocent and vulnerable as children. From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual, and a little more fun around here!

Whedon 5, image & text

Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch. I like to think of myself more as a 'guest-age'. It was the pioneer days; people had to make their own interrogation rooms. Out of cornmeal. You always hurt the one you love. Recognizing someone else's power does not diminish your own. Stay away from hyena people, or any loser athletes, or if you see anyone who's invisible. We're old friends from Navy. Friends from Old Navy. I worked retail, he'd come in, buy slacks Ain't it crazy how slaying just always makes you hungry and horny?

That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. I gave birth to a pterodactyl. We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat. The news isn't there to tell you what happened. It's there to tell you what it wants you to hear or what it thinks you want to hear.

Sarcastic? Unfeeling? British? I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume I'm an evil, lecherous hump. Well, I'm sure I'm in serious need of some moral spankitude, but guess who's not qualified to be my Rabbi? This may come as a shock, but I'm actually not very good at talking to girls. I find it a bit sad that you think of yourself as a candidate for anyone's fantasy. No, Angel, it's not you.

Whedon 4, text & image

We will rule over all this land, and we will call it...This Land. They rampaged through half the known world until Angel got his soul. Wash, we've got some local color happening. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. You could, uh, could have, like, a world without shrimp, or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. From now on, we're gonna have a little less ritual, and a little more fun around here! Well, excuse me, Mr. I-spent-the-sixties-in-an-electric-Kool-Aid-funky-Satan-groove! It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to. Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.

Did the primary buffer panel just fall off my Gorram ship for no apparent reason? I mean, don't get me wrong, I heart my porn, but this is cool! Now you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet: I will end you. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after. Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch. You will keep a civil tongue in this house or we'll put your tongue in a stew. How about 'cause you're a tiny impotent Nazi with a bug up his butt the size of an emu? I brought you some supper but if you'd prefer a lecture, I've a few very catchy ones prepped: sin and hellfire, one has lepers. What, you think this isn't real just because of all the vampires, and demons, and ex-vengeance demons, and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy? You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?

I'm the one who brings about the thought-pocalypse. I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. Anyone in this much pain prays, or at least curses. Did the primary buffer panel just fall off my Gorram ship for no apparent reason? Hey, no, we'll just set course for Planet of the Lonely, Rich, and Appropriately Hygienic Man. Okay, uh, I'm lost. I'm angry. And I'm armed. Bonnie and Clyde, they wanted fame, notoriety, and boy did they get it. They also got dead. I mean, don't get me wrong, I heart my porn, but this is cool! The human mind is like Van Halen; if you just pull out one piece and keep replacing it, it just degenerates. The brain is kept in a fear-induced, adrenaline-fueled overdrive state, like a problem you can't solve.

Whedon 3, text & image

They're a little bit bison. And you know the monkey's just,'I mock you with my monkey pants!' I mean, don't get me wrong, I heart my porn, but this is cool! It's not a road trip. It's a covert operation. Wash, we've got some local color happening.

Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch. Oh my god! Did it sing?

Time is what turns kittens into cats. Passion rules us all.

Whedon 2, text

You'll prove I can trust you when the day comes that you have to kill me. And you do. I wanna hurt you, but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body! I think calling him that is an insult to the psychotic lowlife community. We live in a space ship, dear.

But I haven't spent any money! I was all... dead and frugal. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you? If the apocalypse comes...beep me! Magic's all balderdash and chicanery. Planet's coming up a mite fast. This distress call wouldn't be taking place in someone's pants, would it? Well, excuse me, Mr. I-spent-the-sixties-in-an-electric-Kool-Aid-funky-Satan-groove! Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here. They need to take seven and they might take yours.

I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression. That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. I'll never leave. Not even if you kill me. Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair. It's a toss-up. These endless days are finally ending in a blaze. And now the one person who should be here is gone, and a waste like you gets to live. We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat. And that'd be where you find stored such things as empathy, compassion, an aversion to disemboweling puppies. Should I start this program over? Oh my god, I find lentils completely incomprehensible.